Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
✌🏽