For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?