I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit