everyone’s a critic
You Might Also Like
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.