*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.