[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
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My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.