I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is