I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
same vibe as tangled headphones
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Stonehinge
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?