My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I think the cat got the dog high.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.