My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You Might Also Like
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.