Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.