5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
m’lady
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
podcasts
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.