when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.