How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Brilliant!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.