Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
You Might Also Like
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.