First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Note to self: I am a note
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word