My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
haha same
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”