Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?