Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.