If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Don’t tell me what to do
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I could NOT have put it better myself.