i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.