Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
When can I start eating bats again.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I am all good here, 😂😉
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.