Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The Assassin.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.