One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
me after drinking all the wine:
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.