I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Google assistant rules
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Real House Wines.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
This took me a second..
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
What the dentist sees
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee