My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
mmm onion ringos
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.