“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
You Might Also Like
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
@ candidates for local office
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.