Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get