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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”