[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press