When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
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BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.