so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
oh shit
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.