I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I can’t wait!
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?