Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔