“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
craving $300 all of a sudden
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!