i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING