A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again