WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
j o i m p
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
accurate
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?