M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
You Might Also Like
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Do not levitate over flowers
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations