my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!