I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*