I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.