[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
yeah 😭
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.