A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
just having fun
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.