“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You Might Also Like
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Liquor Store Parking
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*