Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
crazy
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes