First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
You Might Also Like
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“our sushi is very fresh”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses