I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.