When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.