Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it